While I didn't intend for this to be my last entry on xanga, I do think it is time for me to move on.  I've had a rough night (you know the routine of breaking down, crying, and being bummed about life for a moment), and I wrote the following entry on my new blog.  I came to realize that I do need to end this xanga chapter in my life.  I need to go back to writing for myself.  I need to care less about what others think.  If you have enjoyed reading my blog, then you can follow me over at yinthinks.blogspot.com.  It still needs a lot of tweaking.. it's a work in progress.  Feel free to comment, offer suggestions, and just read at your own convenience.  If you're a hardcore blogger with a nice Google Reader setup, then you can add me to your list.  I won't come in your inbox every time I write an entry (like xanga), but do feel free to drop in.  I would like to thank everyone who has followed me throughout the years.  Farewell xanga!

P.S. If you would like to follow my wedding blog, head on over to frompoketoido.blogspot.com.  I just created it earlier this week, and it still needs a lot of work and tlc. 

from yinthinks.blogspot.com:

I blogged a lot in high school (more like my senior year since blogging had just hit big back then), and I blogged even more in college. Sometimes I would write about the dumbest things -- like listing everything I did that day. Other times I would just rant to no end, not even considering who would be reading it. Most of my entries were probably just rants, and that's when I opened up the most. If I got into a fight with my mother, I would just sign into xanga, and type out every single feeling going through my body at that very moment. It was therapeutic, and by the time I hit send I felt so much better. Prior to blogging I would just call up a friend and spill the beans. Before that, I had the good old fashioned pen and paper. Blogging was the easiest release for me. Friends can't always be available 24/7 (they do work, eat, and sleep after all), but as long as I had access to the internet, my blog was always there for me.

As I got older and became more aware of my audience, I slowly stepped back from blogging about my feelings. My rants usually represent my feelings at the strongest point. Reason may or may not be present. I learned to just suck in it and cry to myself. Sometimes I would hide in the closet -- the only place where I felt safe and in my own space. I would cry until the tears stopped flowing. The anger or sadness would still be present, but I eventually got back up and faced the world again. Every now and then I go back to blogging when I'm at an all time low, but then I hesitate and stop for a moment. I think about the consequences of my words. I think about the reaction it might bring about. Sometimes I'll write a few sentences, paragraphs even, and then I'll hit control + A (select all) + delete. It all goes away. It never goes public.

Well I'm at one of those low points. I've cried. I hid from the world by escaping to the bathroom (my new "closet"). Now I'm blogging. After the second or third round of crying I realized one of the best releases for me is to just write about it. I thought back on all of those times that my blog has been there for me. I remembered how therapeutic it is to have someone listen, even if they cannot respond or console me. No one has to read any words that were written in my entry, but I feel better knowing that I let it out. I'm not afraid to let everyone know.

While this entry didn't go into any details about the situation or my feelings, I feel better already. Blogging is therapeutic. I have to keep reminding myself. I have a new blog after all, and I can't hide from the world. This is who I am. I rant on my blogs. I have feelings. I have emotions. I break down. I am human. I hope this will open my eyes and make me less scared to just write what is on my mind. In the end, I will hit send and feel better than ever (well definitely better than I first started tying this entry). I can worry about the reprecussions later. People can judge me. I need to stop caring about what others think anyways (I'll discuss more about this later), and this will be my start.

I will not sugar coat my life in this blog. Be prepared to see me for who I am. I need to face the world. It's not always pretty. I am not perfect, and I will never strive to be perfect. Welcome to my life. I think a lot (well duh, that is the title of my blog), and I will not be afraid to write about it. Sometimes life will be great. Sometimes life will be complete crap. I'm going to share that with everyone. I need to finally be myself for once.

I'm finally taking the necessary steps to change my name.  No, I am not changing my name and taking Hubby's last name.  I'm simply changing it back to the way it should have been when I was born.  Confused?  I've mentioned this a few times on my blog, but basically there was a mix up of communication when I was born and the name on my legal documents say "Chi-Yin Lai."  Embarrassing.. yes.  I spent 16+ years believing that my name was Yin.  Then I went to the DMV to get my first driver's license, saw my social security card and birth certificate for the first time, and cried my eyes out.  I did convince the worker to use the name I grew up knowing (phew), and now the only documents barring my legal name are my birth certificate, social security card, and tax documents. 

Why was there a mix up of communication to begin with?  In Chinese we say names backwards, starting with the last name first.  So if my parents wanted to introduce me to their friends, they would say, "Lai Chi Yin."  Whomever filled out my birth certificate decided to hyphenate my middle and first name and tada... Chi-Yin Lai.  I find it somewhat humorous that I didn't find out (and neither did my parents) until that not so happy day at the DMV.

I just want my legal name to match the name that my parents gave me.  I don't like having to explain to people why my legal name differs from my given name.  It's a pain.  I originally thought about changing my name when I was still in college, but I never got around to it.  The process is lengthy and involves publishing a notice of name change in the local paper once a week for three weeks.  Then I would have to go to the court, explain my story, get stuff notarized, and pay another $78 for the name change.  Then I would have to get all of my legal documents changed back to my "new" name.  Not easy.  Why now?  I decided to finally get going with the process again now that I'm a year away from the wedding.  I want Hubby to be married to Yin Chi Lai and not Chi-Yin Lai.  It's a minor detail, but it really means a lot to me.  I will be taking Hubby's last name next year, and I want my first name to be corrected before that happens.

Oddly enough it's easier and cheaper to get married in Delaware than to get a name changed.  Here's the break down:

Getting Married

• Marriage License - opened M-F from 9AM to 4PM, must apply together, $30.00
• Ceremony Fee (for court wedding) - performed on wednesdays with an appointment, 2 witnesses needed, $30.00
• Certified Copy Marriage License - $24.00
• Total - $84

Getting a Name Change

• Notice of Name Change to the Public - published once a week for three weeks in a local newspaper, cost vary from $34.10 to $102
• Attain Affidavit of Publication from the newspaper
• Fill out Petition for Name Change
• Get Petition for Name Change and Affidavit Notarized by a Notary Public
• Pay Filing Fee of $78
• Go to the NCC Courthouse for the Change of Name Petition Hearing
• Make necessary contacts to change social security card and birth certificate

Price of a Name Change

• The News Journal - $102
• Newark Post - $58
• Middletown Transcript $34.10
• Filing Fee $78
• Cheapest Option - $112.10
• Most Expensive Option - $180 

Now I have to decide where I would like to publish my notice of name change.  It seems the smartest to just go with the Middletown Transcript.  I don't know anyone in Middletown, and it's the cheapest.  The News Journal is ruled out since it cost more to publish it in there than to pay the processing fee with the court.  The Newark Post has a special place in my heart.  I was born and raised in Newark, and I regularly read the Newark Post.  The man who answered the phone was very helpful, and I would love to support my local paper.  Do I pay a little more for the Newark Post or do I just go with the cheapest option?

Hmm...

Blog entry from my new blog at yinthinks.blogpot.com.  Feel free to visit the site and take a look.  It's still in the infant stages, and I'm working on a better layout.  I will be cross posting until I am fully comfortable at my new blog.  Thanks!

As a kid I think all girls dream of their Cinderella ballgown wedding dresses, and I might have been one of them too. As I grew up, I learned that it just wasn't my style. Attending two of my sisters weddings have made me more in tune with what I want in my own wedding (basically none of what they had), and that includes my vision for a wedding dress. I will admit that I didn't put too much thought into it at the time. Now that I'm engaged, I cannot help but to think about my dream dress.

After a whole year of being engaged, I'm pretty much still in the first stages of looking for my wedding dress. I look at websites and a few magazines, and I end up being even more confused. I have always wanted a simple dress, nothing too poofy or cookie cutter. Then this beauty came to me at a sample sale at Goodwill in Pennsauken, NJ...

I am alive, and I've been back in the States since the 26th.  I had quite an adventure visiting the motherland.  It's really difficult to sum up a 5 week trip in a few sentences.  I may copy and paste a few paragraphs from my journal and 101 page letter (typed in Microsoft Word, size 11 font, Times New Roman, single spaced) to Hubby.  I think that may do my trip more justice.  I'm in the process of uploading pictures (sorting through all 1590 of them) and videos (looking through12 gigs worth of videos) to my Facebook.  Feel free to take a look.  I'm very happy to be back home.

• voyage overseas = China for 5 weeks

• this will be my first time (a tad late)
• need to refresh on my Cantonese - Pimsleur to the rescue?
  

• if I start packing now, is it too soon?

• have too much on my to do list.. wonder if I can handle it
  

To celebrate Glamour Magazine's 70th birthday, they are rolling back prices to the original subscription price of $1.50 back in 1939.  This is an amazing price, and you really can't beat it.  It's for a limited time and expires on March 15th.  Just a heads up -- the subscription will auto renewal after a year.  Please remember to cancel the subscription after a year or sign up by buying the subscription as a "gift."  Of course you can send that gift to yourself, and then you avoid the hassle of dealing with the cancelation.  More details can be found at slickdeals.net.  I found the deal originally through the weddingbee post on the boards from Miss Ballet Flat and did further research with the link at slickdeals.  Enjoy!